I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
