did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
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