I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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