Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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