just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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