i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
