you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
