I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
