we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
