Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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