Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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