he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
being pregnant is like rehab
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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