my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
