I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
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