I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
