I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
