I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
