I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
