how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
40s are totally the cure
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
