Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
