Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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