I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
