This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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