I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
