nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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