If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
