We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
