and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
