i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
