Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
