1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
