So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
