In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
