I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
