More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
