If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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