I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
