nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
