No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
