I faked an abortion last night.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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