possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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