tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
