I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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