Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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