i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
