Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
