While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I had to cum in my sink.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
