I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
