I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
