I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
