gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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